


The Bake Off Strikes Back

by Lazarus76



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Chubby Hux, Crack Fic, Feeding, Feeding Hux Up is Fun for the Resistance, Hux is a lover of cake, Hux is so unfortunate, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 01:04:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6494764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lazarus76/pseuds/Lazarus76
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh, dear. A few comments traded with the very witty HarrisHawkesSuperiour and suddenly, !CrackFic is born. </p><p>Its well known I seem to like the idea of feeding Hux - but what if - and this is HHS's idea - there was a bake off, and he was the judge? </p><p>This is not to be taken seriously. At all.</p><p>As for the last line, I have no doubt that the redoubtable Phasma and Rey would clobber Hux with their own recipe books.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bake Off Strikes Back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Harrishawksuperiour](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harrishawksuperiour/gifts).



"He's the judge?" Rey asked, disbelievingly. 

Poe nodded. "He is. Currently, he's in custody, but he is going to be giving his opinion on everything we bake."

Rey shook her head. "But he's so thin! He never looks like he eats anything!" BB-8 squeaked sympathetically as she looked at Poe. "And we have to do this bake off - why?"

Poe shrugged. "Ren's idea. He felt it would help unite us all. So you, I, Finn, Phasma, and Ren are all going to produce our best work." He looked reflective. "I'm thinking coffee. With walnuts."

Rey rubbed her face. "And Hux is going to be the judge." She shook her head, again. "This is not going to end well. I doubt he could even manage a slice of cake, let alone half of one."

Poe grinned. "Hey, you should hear what Finn said. Remember, he was tormented by Hux when he was a trooper. He suggested we all force feed him until he cries or explodes."

Rey blinked. "Can you imagine the mess?"

Poe groaned. "I'd really rather not think about that."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hux knew he was in custody of the Resistance, and felt his best defence was to simply show he didn't care. After all, these were a rag tag group of thieves, liars, and traitors. They had no superior training, no ability to create something as menacing as Starkiller - there was nothing they could do to him that would cause him hurt or embarrassment. As the door to his holding cell opened, he plastered his overly familiar sneer on his face. 

Leia Organa stood in front of him. 

"General Hux." Her tone was pleasant, and he looked at her, sniffing disdainfully. "You may be wondering why I'm keeping you in here."

"Probably because you have nothing better to do," he sneered at her. "None of my troopers to convert, no husband to order around anymore - so you keep me here." He folded his arms, ignoring the fact that his uniform was becoming stained and stiff with dirt. "So, just let me go."

Leia raised her eyebrows. "But you would miss a very important event, General."

"What's that?" he looked t her, sullenly. 

"Our bake off." Leia's tone was serious. "Everyone is baking a cake, mainly to try and bring us together. However, we need you to be the judge."

Hux could not believe his ears. "Are you serious?" He stood up, puffing his chest out. "I am a General of the First Order. Commander of the Starkiller. And you think I should spend my time pontificating over who has produced the best cake?!"

Leia smiled at him. "Treat yourself, Hux." She looked at him. "You could do with a little meat on your bones."

At this, Hux's face turned puce with rage. "I need-" he was spluttering. "I-"

The General smiled at him. "Thank you, Hux."

At that, she turned and left, leaving him incandescent with rage. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

"OK," Kylo mused, checking his book. "Red Velvet." He looked at Rey. "Prepare to be beaten!"

She raised her eyebrows. "Cousin dear, please remember that my Victoria Sponge is the Queen of Cakes."

He shrugged. "Nope. Red Velvet is the Emperor." He pondered over his ingredients. "Cream cheese..."

Poe looked over. "I hate to brag, but I think my Fruit cake is going to beat all of you." He smiled like a proud father as he carefully slid the rich looking slab out of its baking tray, and left it on its cooling rack. Finn was decorating his cake with walnuts. 

"Well, let's hope Hux is hungry," Rey said, eyeing the final finished selection. The Admiral had chipped in with raspberry and chocolate muffins, and the Doctor with Lemon cupcakes. Phasma walked in, smiling, with Pineapple Upside Down cake. "There!" she said, with a flourish. 

Kylo laughed. "I don't think I ever saw him eat." He looked at Phasma, who nodded. "Oh yes. Bit of a worry. I confess that I was always concerned about having to train in combat with Hux, in case I broke him in half. Well, this will make up for it," Phasma commented, looking at the sweet array spread out in front of them. Leia came in, and nodded approvingly. "It all looks excellent. Shall we bring in the judge?"

A glowering Hux was ushered in, his hands cuffed at the wrists, and guided with two Resistance fighters on his arms. As he was settled in a chair, he glared. 

"If you think-" his voice was sour - "I'm going to taste all of these, you are mistaken."

"No, Hux," Poe boomed, cheerfully. "We don't expect you to taste them."

Hux's face lightened. 

"We expect you to eat ALL OF IT."

At this, the former General looked terrified. He gulped. "I-"

"OK, let's get started," Phasma spoke with her customary authority. "Pineapple!" Grabbing her cake, she picked up a fork, and stabbed it. As she pulled a chunk off, Hux's eyes bulged. "Phasma, I-"

"Hux, open up!" she commanded. Before he could protest, the chunk was in his mouth, leaving him with no choice but to chew and swallow. As he did so, a pink tinge spread across his face. 

"Good?" she asked, in a tone that implied he'd better not disagree. Hux nodded. "Mmmph."

"Excellent. Have another chunk!"

He looked at her, and then, much to everyone's surprise, obediently opened his mouth. 

"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Phasma cooed. As Hux looked at her, balefully, she broke off another chunk. 

And another.

And another.

Within ten minutes, most of the pineapple cake was gone, and Hux was gasping for breath. His uniform was still fitting, although Rey could have sworn she saw a slight bulge protruding from his normally concave stomach. 

"Well, my turn," Finn said, decisively. "What did you think of that, Hux?"

"I- not bad, Phasma. Could have been sweeter."

The former Captain looked slightly offended. "Well, Finn, if you can do better-" she turned away, huffily. Finn grabbed his coffee and walnut cake. "Right, ready for a slice?"

"Er, no, I'm still - hmmmphh!" The former General hardly got the words out before the first slice was stuffed in his mouth. After chewing and swallowing, he screwed his face up. "Terrible. Terrible!"

Finn looked annoyed. "Why?"

"There's no coffee in it, you idiot!" Hux glared at him. Finn blinked. "Oh," he said, surprised. "I guess I forgot to brew it." He slapped his forehead. 

"Well, that's the worst cake," Hux said, authoratively. "So, if you could all let me get up before I burst out of my uniform, I-"

Poe shook his head. "Hux, you've only just started the competition, and Phasma ain't gonna win by default." He picked up his Fruit cake. "Now, this is a classic, dark and rich-" he smiled. "Like myself-"

Rey snorted with laughter, and Kylo grinned. Poe turned to them. "Hey!"

"There had better not be raisins in it!" Hux snapped. "I can't stand them!"

Poe looked slightly irritated. "Well, there are - but I put a good shot of rum in this, so-"

"Rum?" Hux perked up. "Well, let me try it, then!"

Poe cut a slice, and presented it. Hux bit into it, eagerly. "Oh that's good." He sighed happily, not caring that crumbs were dropping all over his uniform, and starting to stick to his face. "That's really good! Another slice!"

Rey looked at Poe. "You'd better not have won!"

"Oh, I think he has," Hux said, happily, the second slice disappearing with astonishing speed. Kylo shook his head. "I've never seen you eat that fast."

"Well, can you blame me, when you think about the miserable slop you served on the Finalizer?" Hux said grumpily. "Another slice!"

"Hux-" Rey looked at him. "You still have four cakes to go!"

Hux shrugged. "I'm sure I can fit them in." He began to finish his third slice. "Oh, another."

Kylo nudged Rey. "He's going to look like the gangster who imprisoned my Dad - what was he called, Mom?"

"Jabba the Hutt," Leia replied, who was clearly trying to keep a straight face. 

The entire group was transfixed by the formerly scrawny General eating the cake. Rey looked again - his stomach was swelling, and she knew that it wouldn't be too long before something embarrassing happened. She nudged Kylo. "He's fattening up," she whispered.

Kylo nodded. "Well, he's been deprived so long, apparently, his fat cells must be sucking this all up!"

"Right," Hux, said, sounding stuffed. "Excellent, Poe. What have you got for me, Ren?" he looked at his former partner in crime, who smiled sweetly back at him. 

"Red Velvet."

Hux's face fell. "But Velvet is my favourite cake - and I've just eaten the whole of that Fruit cake-"

"I'm sure you can find space," Ren said, breezily. "Here!"

Before he could speak again, a large slice was presented and stuffed into Hux's mouth. He chewed eagerly, and swallowed. "Oh, yes, Ren, your baking is a considerable improvement on your interrogation abilities. This is divine!" 

"You might want to slow down," Poe warned him. "You're looking a little- tubby."

"Tubby?!" Hux spluttered. "How dare you!" Rey looked at him and noticed the former sharp cheekbones and jaw line were starting to disappear, and his whole appearance was more - "cuddly," she said, out loud.

"Cuddly?!" Hux spat through a mouthful of crumbs. "I am not putting on weight, just enjoying myself, I ask you to-"

Suddenly, there was a popping sound.

Followed by a button clicking onto the floor. Hux blinked. "Oh, I-"

Kylo's face twitched, but he didn't say anything. Phasma turned her face away to hide the grin threatening to crack her face. Poe blinked, and Finn looked stunned.

"Uniform must be old," Hux muttered, intent on devouring the remains of the Red Velvet. "These uniforms are poor quality Ren, I've told you that before. They don't withstand anything."

"Especially your newly expanding waistline," Kylo muttered, shaking his head. "Was it good?"

"Oh, yes." Hux nodded, blissfully happy. "Right, if that's all-"

He tried to get up, then flushed. "I-"

"What is it, Hux?" Poe asked.

"I - these chairs are terrible quality too. Not even a mouse can fit in them. Disgraceful!"

At this Finn's jaw dropped. The formally svelte leader of the First Order was bursting out of his uniform, and expanding to the point he could not fit comfortably in the chair. Hux settled himself back in. "Right. I think - "

"You haven't tried mine," Rey said, and presented him with the Victoria Sponge. At this, Hux's eyes gleamed. "The Queen of Cakes!"

Kylo snorted. "OK, you got him. Trust you!"

"I-" Rey paused. "I don't want you to-"

"What?"

"Explode," she said, feebly. Because Hux, who was looking more stuffed by the minute, might actually be capable of doing that. Rey bit her lip, and put the knife into the cake. As she handed him a slice, he practically grabbed it. "YES!" he shouted, in victory. 

Rey winced. "Be careful-"

The cake was being shoved so quickly into Hux's mouth it bordered on obscene. The formerly fastidious General clearly had no time for decorum left, and as he ate, his belly continued to rise upwards, like a particularly bizarre monster from one of Rey's scavenging trips. His face was rounder as well, the former sharp lines disappearing. 

Kylo was rubbing his face. "Oh, God."

Poe was shaking his head. "We're going to be rolling him out of here!"

"Don't let him near anything sharp," Phasma commented, who clearly couldn't believe how quickly the disciplined Hux had let himself go. "Hux-" she leaned down, and poked him in his stomach, which shuddered, sending shockwaves through his body. "Stop!"

"Phasma, I will not have you prodding me," Hux grumbled. "I will eat what I like, and-"

He stopped. "Are you all right?" Rey asked. 

"Bit of a stitch." He got up, and groaned. As he tried to move forward, Rey realised he'd expanded to the point of having to waddle. "I think it would be easier to roll him back," she commented. 

"It would be easier to use him as a defence barrier!" Kylo spluttered. "Hux - you're HUGE!"

Hux looked down at himself and his newly fattened form. "Oh." He blinked, noticing love handles were obscuring where his waist once appeared. "I think this has made me put on a couple of pounds, but still-" he shrugged. "Let me finish the sponge!"

Rey was shaking her head. "Anything else?"

"Yes," Hux said, thoughtfully, as he continued to eat. "Any chance you and Phasma could change into gold bikinis?"


End file.
